Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Conversations with Kendall

Kendall has been especially fun during this Christmas season. It's really neat to watch her learn things, even though I'm not quite sure she understands it all yet. She has especially enjoyed the Christmas trees in our house and knows which ornaments are okay for her to play with/touch. One ornament in particular is a Baby's First Christmas ornament that is a plush yellow duck with wooden wheels, hanging by a ribbon. It's a Hallmark ornament, so you can probably guess who gave it to us, right???!!!?

I remember buying it, too. It was the day before I delivered Kendall. Mom flew to Louisville on her birthday and stayed with us until about a week after Kendall was born. I delivered Kendall on a Tuesday, and the Monday before, Mom and I got out and about. It was the first cooler day after many, many 90 degree days (in October) and it was raining. We went to a children's boutique to buy a coming home outfit (which was WAY too big) and stopped at a Hallmark store before grocery shopping at Kroger. It's all so vivid in my mind.

This past Sunday, Kendall was looking at the Christmas tree and pointed to her ornament hanging there. She said, "That's mine." I said, "Yes, that is yours. Your MawMaw gave that to you." Kendall then looks at me and asks, "Where's MawMaw?" (I know she has no idea who "MawMaw" really is, but I know she knows from her picture, because we have one hanging on our fridge that we talk about frequently.) I replied with, "MawMaw is in Heaven with Jesus." She repeated me, then was completely satisfied.

About an hour later, I was in the kitchen unloading and loading the dishwasher while Kendall and Evan were playing and talking in the dining room. Kendall out of the blue looks at Evan and says, "Where's MawMaw?" Evan looked at me, and before either of us could say anything, Kendall said, "In Heaven with Jesus?" So sweet.

The conversation hasn't stopped. Today we were out running a few errands, and Kendall kept saying, "MawMaw is in Heaven with Jesus." Each time she said it, I would confirm the answer. Then she breaks out, "I want to see her." All I could say was, "I do too. Someday, we'll get to see her in heaven, but for now all we have are pictures of her so we must enjoy and cherish those!"

Bittersweet times with my precious little one!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Snow Village

Much of my mom's "stuff" is still in place at my parent's house. Everyone is okay with that. We've gone through her jewelry and many of her clothes, but that's about it. Really, I think Kara and I both find comfort in going to dad's house and going through things of hers and bringing something different home with us each time. Someday, there will be nothing left to bring back, so I cherish each time I'm there and "going through" stuff.

Christmas decorating was a BIG deal growing up. Some of my favorite memories of my mom are of us decorating for Christmas. Mom loved all things Christmas...she put out loads of greenery, plaid bows and lights and always had a beautiful tree with all our Hallmark ornaments. She also collected Department 56 Snow Village. I LOVED helping her get all the pieces out and set it all up. I always had a big imagination, so I would do a lot of pretending as we put all the pieces together.

The last time I was at dad's house, I brought back a few pieces for myself. I took the cathedral, the school, a farm house and a few accessory pieces. On Monday, I had the itch to do some Christmas decorating, so I put it all out.

I love it.

I'll bet it's been AT LEAST ten years since any of it has seen the light of day...when mom and dad moved into the house they are in now, she didn't have room to get it out and the more sick she got, the less Christmas decorating she did.

I think she would delight in knowing we are using it, and I'm glad I have another little piece of her here with me!

Saturday, August 8, 2009

one year

A year ago tonight, I got a phone call from my dad that rocked my world. I remember so many things about that day...

I remember talking to my dad as I was driving home from meetings at school. Mom wasn't feeling well and didn't want to talk, but I could hear her in the background telling my dad stuff to tell me.

I remember the weather being unseasonably cool, so we went to Cherokee Park to grill out and play on the playground with Kendall. It was SUCH a fun evening.

I remember spending a lot of the night blogging-catching our family blog up-to-speed AND updating on this one.

I remember finishing up at the computer and hearing the phone ring, around 10:30, with my first thought being, "This better not be my dad."

I remember seeing daddy's number on caller id, and my heart pounding.

I remember hearing daddy tell me "Your momma died" and the shock that set in my body. I literally shook for an hour and a half afterwards, and continued shaking the next day as I had to make phone calls to loved ones.

I remember Kendall waking up in the middle of the night that night, which was very rare. Evan tried to go console her, but she didn't settle down until I took her. I sat in her room, just holding her with tears streaming my face.



It's so hard to believe that a year has passed. I'd like to think that I'm bigger, better, stronger, nicer, kinder, more loving, etc, etc. but I really don't think that's true. One thing I do know is that I'm changed.


I love music. I love the way songs can express the way my heart feels. I remember listening to this song as we drove back to Louisville from Arkansas and thought the words were so true. The other day, I had Pandora on, and this song happened to play. The tears just started coming to the point I had to stop what I was doing. (To which Kendall says, "Why you crying, Mommy?" And even though she has no idea, I reply with "Because mommy misses her mommy.") Probably nothing else could express my feelings better than this song...




I miss her terribly, and know many others do the same. I rejoice in having a mother that I CAN miss and knowing that this goodbye is temporary.

As my sweet friend Angie said today, she is "one in heaven years!" Happy "Heavenly" Birthday to my precious mother!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Decrees of God

I was invited to participate in a women's bible study this summer at a precious church member's home. I was thrilled at the invitation, as Evan and I have grown very fond of this couple and their precious daughters who adore Kendall. When I received the first email about the study, I grew even more excited as I saw the other ladies' names on the list, many whom I highly respect and others that I just want to get to know a little better. The study is actually more of a "book club" format, rather than bible study on a book titled The Attributes of God by A. W. Pink.


For the first meeting, which was today, we were to read chapters one and two. Let me just say that when I started reading the first page of the first chapter, I quickly realized this was not the summer reading I signed up for! The writing is very eloquent, with scripture quoted from the King James Version. I love to read, but I am not one to pick up an intellectual type book out of preference. Reading the first chapter was a shock to my system, not to mention how unqualified and over my head I felt as I soaked it all in.


However, I pressed on. I gleaned a few things from the first chapter, but the very end of the second chapter titled The Decrees of God brought me to my knees with the following quote:

"O my reader, how thankful should we be that everything is determined by infinite wisdom and goodness! What praise and gratitude are due unto God for his Divine decrees. It is because of them that "we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28). Well may we exclaim, "For of him, and through him, and to him are all things: to whom be glory forever. Amen" (Romans 11:36).


While I have been able to say that "I understand and trust that it's part of God's plan" and I know that his plan is perfect, thanking God and praising him for his Divine decrees in this situation goes against everything that my fleshly mind wants to do. But if I dig deep, I know that I owe God gratitude for his plan, even in my mother's death. My carnal mind does not understand, but I fully trust in Isaiah 55:8-9, believing that God's ways and thoughts are higher than my own.

For that, I am thankful and find reason to praise.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Mother's Day

Last week I started writing a post about Mother's Day, but got busy and never finished it.

Today, I am reflecting. This is so therapeutic for me.

This weekend my dad decided to come and visit. Arkansas had received a lot of rain that was keeping him from working, so he decided to go ahead and take off. I was thrilled, being that I hadn't seen him since Christmas and he's been talking about coming up here for months and it just hadn't worked out.

Before I go on, I don't really know who reads this blog, and it really makes no difference if 10 people read it or 100 people read it because I really just write this stuff to process the events that have happened in the last 9 months. It's EXTREMELY helpful. I just want to be careful with my words.

So, it's no secret that my dad has a special friend that he spends a lot of time with. Her name is June and they have been friends for a long time; they actually graduated high school together.

She came with my dad this weekend.

He asked my permission, and I'll admit that I was very reluctant about saying "yes" at first, just because it was Mother's Day weekend, but really, I could find a million excuses every time he asks as to why I don't want to meet her, so I obliged. Putting off meeting her isn't going to bring my mom back or keep things from changing.

We had a very pleasant weekend. June is very kind and easy to be around. She made herself very comfortable in our home and seemed to enjoy being around Kendall. I like her.

Here are my thoughts on the whole thing:

Really, if I had my choice, my mom would still be living and healthy. That's not going to happen. So, I have to "choose joy" in a situation that I don't really like. The reasons I don't like the situation have nothing to do with my dad or with June, it has to do with the fact that I don't particularly like the fact that God chose to take my mom to heaven with Him. And the reality of that situation is that I have no control and need to understand that God knows best and sees the bigger picture ALWAYS.

Let's just face it, folks. Men just struggle being alone. Especially men that grew up in the era that my dad did. Daddy grew up with two sisters that told me on numerous occasions how they were taught to wait on my Pappaw and him. Then, he married my mom and had two daughters. He doesn't know how to be without women in his life because it's all he's ever known. Bless his heart, he admitted this weekend that he's just been dumping all his clean clothes on the guest bed at their house and not folding them or putting them away!!!

This is uncharted waters for all of us, but inevitable. I think it's difficult to see my dad with someone else, but at the same time have to believe it's just as difficult for him to spend time with someone else after 35 years. I don't think my dad wanting to date someone is any reflection on how much he loved and cared for my mother.

I remember very vividly when one of my friends in middle school lost his mom very suddenly. This friend's dad ended up dating and eventually marrying a friend of my mom's. If I remember correctly, the time that passed was not very long between when my friend's mom died and when their dad remarried. Growing up in a small town, people talked about it. Some thought it was just horrible that he would do that so soon and would hurt his kids that way. You know what I remember? I remember my mom being very happy for them. Sad for the tragedy of the situation and the stress it caused, but glad that two people were able to find companionship with each other.

I would be lying if I said this whole thing is easy for me and no big deal. It's NOT easy, and it IS a big deal. However, I have to play the cards that life has dealt. I know in the process of this I will become stronger, and hopefully be a better person because of it.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Public Thanks

I just want to give a public thanks for all of you thoughtful people out there.

I have received 4 (2 large, 2 small) Mediterranean Fig candles in the mail, and have cried opening every single one of them. Some of you people are just way more thoughtful, way more insightful than I've ever thought about being. I don't think I would have ever read that on someone's blog and said, "You know what? I'm gonna send her one." I'm trying to get there, but I'm just not. Plus, I'm the world's worst at mailing things. That might have something to do with it. :)

Anyway, the candle I took from my parent's house is all burned up, so it's time to break out one of the new ones.

I'm getting there. I've got some thoughts of things I want to do to pay it forward. It's just making time to carry them out!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

memories

While Kendall was in the bathtub tonight, I was just thinking about how much my mom would be IN LOVE with her and loving this stage of life. Mom loved little babies and toddlers and just had this way with them that I can't even explain. I don't know ANY kid that wasn't attracted to her from the get-go.

For some reason, this one memory came flooding back to me. Last May, when mom fell and broke her arm, Kendall and I flew to AR to help take care of her. That accident just took a complete toll on her, and I remember being so sad about seeing her in that condition. It was bad enough that she had the oxygen tubes and the port tubes, but then a broken elbow on top of all that...it was terrible! One afternoon during the week, I put Kendall down for a nap and then jumped in the shower. When I turned the water off, I could hear Kendall crying, and was trying to hurry to get to her. When I went in the bedroom, there was my mom--broken elbow and all--rocking Kendall, trying to calm her down. Mom, who hadn't been able to hold her all week, says, "I just couldn't stand it anymore. She was just too sad." I know that Kendall will never know her, but I hope she knows how much she was loved by her Maw-Maw.

I also remember that mom's appetite was terrible that week. All the medicine she was on made her very sick and she couldn't keep down anything. I remember thinking, "I cannot believe I am holding a trashcan for my mother to puke inside!" I know this is so random, but I remember her wanting yogurt, and the whole conversation of her trying to explain to daddy over the phone that she wanted the "Dan-Active" yogurt. (If you know my dad, you can imagine how this conversation went down! I am laughing just thinking about it. I can just hear my mom getting louder and saying "Dan-Active" slower and slower.) :) I also remember making fresh guacamole that week, and her raving over how great it tasted.

Why do these random memories come up? Is it just because I'm trying to hang on to every memory I possibly have???

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Her Story

Last night, Evan and I were at a SS class fellowship and in the course of the conversation with a relatively new member of our class, I had to say that my mom died about 6 months ago. I'm pretty sure that's not the first time that I've said "my mom died" but honestly, most of the time when it comes up in conversation, the other person usually says, "I'm so sorry" and moves on.



On one hand, I'm really fine with that. I've learned that we are a generation of people that isn't REALLY very interested in what is going on in the lives of others. We are sad for people, but to really care and listen to their hurts and heartaches is something of which we aren't very good. I think part of it is when you haven't experienced it for yourself, you just don't know what to say. Myself included. I look back now at friends that I've known to experience tragedy in their lives and often wonder, What did I say to them? Did I listen to them? Did they see care and concern or did I just blow it off?



Last night, this person didn't blow off the subject, she asked me if my mom's death was expected or sudden and I was able to explain it was a little of both by telling a shorter version of her story. I think it hit me in the middle of telling, that I hadn't really told mom's story in months, and I'm standing here telling it to someone I don't know very well, who is seemingly genuinely interested. I got really choked up.


It felt good to tell her story. It was nice just to have someone who was kind enough to listen to me babble on, remember my mom, and share my experience of losing her. To top it all off, this person didn't even stop at the how did you lose her but when on to ask how things were now, what the first holiday was like, how my dad was dealing with it, etc. I think it helps with the whole healing process.

Monday, January 26, 2009

It's been a while...

I haven't posted on here...not sure if anyone really checks this site much, but writing is still good therapy for me. I guess since the last couple of months were so full of anticipation and lots of emotions, this month has been somewhat of a break of thinking about mom not being here.

Our Holidays were fine...very bittersweet and I personally wasn't sad to see the Christmas season come to an end this year. I know with time it will get easier.

There are still just moments...

like last Friday night when I went to Target and saw all the swimsuits out. It hit me. Nobody got more excited about bathing suit season coming on than my mom. Last year, the moment swimsuits hit the stores, Kendall had two, plus a cover-up.

like when we went to my dad's for Christmas and there were no magazines to read. Mom always saved all her magazines and kept them in the extra bedroom for Kara and I to read. Daddy didn't know. He was just throwing them all away.

like how my mom knew that my favorite candle in the world was Trapp's Mediterranean Fig. She usually bought two--one for her and one for me. I took the one that was in the bathroom at my dad's house just to have the reminder of her. I'll be sad when it burns down.

like every time Kendall says "baby" and goes to find her baby doll, I just wish I could call my mom and have her hear it. She would eat that up.

like when my cousin Scott was here visiting and he reminded me of how mom was the only one who would (and let the kids d0 it, too) press the bottom of the Russell Stover chocolates to see what was on the inside. She didn't make us eat them after we touched them. I loved that.

It hits at the most random times. I guess that's how it will be for the rest of my life.

I can't say enough how thankful I am for the hope of Heaven and the truth that I will see her again one day--and even the reunion with my mom won't compare with seeing Jesus face to face! Praise the Lord!