Friday, February 25, 2011

Dear Mom,

Okay, so I feel pretty silly writing a letter to you. I know you are living it up right now and this letter is really nothing. It's just that I've been missing you a ton lately. I just told a friend today that while life gets easier after losing a loved one, it's still hard and sad sometimes.

I know a lot of my emotion is just from pregnancy hormones. I am 31ish weeks with another baby girl! Isn't that great? Kendall is getting a little sister. While we are so excited, a little part in me is so sad because you aren't here to experience another granddaughter. I know, I know...what you are experiencing far surpasses the joy of another girl. That's so hard to fathom sometimes because I know you would be eaten up with excitement over sweet Arden Abigail. (That's her name. We chose Abigail because of the Gail...to honor you!) I'm sure she would already have a few new smocked dresses, monogrammed bloomers, ruffle socks, and an itty, bitty swimsuit. Those were your things.

Lately, my mind has gone back to when you came for Kendall's birth. It's crazy how vivid those memories are for me. Remember how you flew in on your birthday? You said flying as a handicapped person was the best way to go because somebody wheeled you around the whole airport, carried your luggage, etc. :) I made potato soup especially for you that night and we had homemade hot fudge brownie sundaes for dessert. I also remember you took us to eat at Cheesecake Factory for lunch the next day and you ordered fish tacos. (Why do I remember that??? What a silly thing to remember.) The following day was the day before my due date, and we went out shopping. We bought Kendall's coming home outfit and all the Hallmark ornaments that day, including Kendall's ""Baby's First Christmas" one. It was raining, yet we were out running around in it. I am still so thankful that you were able to be in the delivery room for Kendall's arrival. We have a few video clips of Kendall's first few moments of life and when I watch them, I don't even watch them to look at Kendall, really. I watch them so I can hear your voice in the background. What a precious, sacred sound to me.

What else, what else have I wanted to tell you....

I learned how to sew!!!  I did! I really am so excited about it and proud of myself. Evan's parents bought me a sewing machine and Sheila taught me the basics. Practicing has been a fun little hobby for me this winter.

I've also been writing for Lifeway. Do you remember when I sent in my application to do some writing  before we moved from Arkansas? Do you remember how sad I was when I got an email that said "my samples were received, but they wouldn't use them at that time?" I was so devastated...I thought it meant I wasn't good enough. Well, Mike hooked me up last spring and since then, I've had three sets of weekly devotionals and one article published in the EC magazine, and another set of monthly devotionals published in the KNOWN curriculum. I still don't feel like I am "good enough" to be a published writer, but oh, the lessons I have learned from God's word through writing and the joy it gives me to do something I enjoy so much! I know you would've loved reading it, even if it really isn't that good. :)

Do you remember all the times I called you, upset over my plans not going the way they should? Do you remember all the tears shed? I would be so upset, and you would very quickly call me out and tell me how life is like that. Well, I just want you to know that I'm slowly letting go of my need for control. The Lord is teaching me a lot lately about how it's best to just trust Him at all times. I wish I could tell you all the ways He is bringing about this lesson in my life...it's so good. I hope I really "get it" this time.

You would soooo love Kendall. Y'all would be the biggest buds. She loves everything girly...dress up, make-up, lotion, princess things, jewelry, you name it. We are, right now, in the phase where she changes clothes every five minutes. On Sunday, in the span of one hour, she had on a red dress-up dress, then a pink one, then her everyday clothes, and then her pajamas. All that money you and daddy spent on dance costumes over the years is coming in handy for pretend play now! Kendall really has the biggest imagination. One minute she's a Disney princess and the next minute she's Sharon/Susan from the old Parent Trap. Too funny!

Kendall and I are flying to Arkansas next week. We were supposed to ride back with Daddy at Christmas, but I ended up getting the stomach bug. I was going to go anyway, but Daddy pretty much made me stay home. He's a good daddy, you know, and he knew I was sad about not getting to see all the grandparents and spend more time with our family, so he helped make a way for Kendall and I to come. Whenever I come home it's always so good and so fun, but there is always a little part missing, and that's you.

Like I said, I know this letter is meaningless, but it sure does feel good writing it down. Kendall recently learned the words to the hymn When We All Get To Heaven and every time we sing it together, I can't help but think of you. I'm so thankful for that hope. What a day of rejoicing it will be! I wish you could just tell us all about it...

Miss you so much!
Leah