Mother's Day

Last week I started writing a post about Mother's Day, but got busy and never finished it.

Today, I am reflecting. This is so therapeutic for me.

This weekend my dad decided to come and visit. Arkansas had received a lot of rain that was keeping him from working, so he decided to go ahead and take off. I was thrilled, being that I hadn't seen him since Christmas and he's been talking about coming up here for months and it just hadn't worked out.

Before I go on, I don't really know who reads this blog, and it really makes no difference if 10 people read it or 100 people read it because I really just write this stuff to process the events that have happened in the last 9 months. It's EXTREMELY helpful. I just want to be careful with my words.

So, it's no secret that my dad has a special friend that he spends a lot of time with. Her name is June and they have been friends for a long time; they actually graduated high school together.

She came with my dad this weekend.

He asked my permission, and I'll admit that I was very reluctant about saying "yes" at first, just because it was Mother's Day weekend, but really, I could find a million excuses every time he asks as to why I don't want to meet her, so I obliged. Putting off meeting her isn't going to bring my mom back or keep things from changing.

We had a very pleasant weekend. June is very kind and easy to be around. She made herself very comfortable in our home and seemed to enjoy being around Kendall. I like her.

Here are my thoughts on the whole thing:

Really, if I had my choice, my mom would still be living and healthy. That's not going to happen. So, I have to "choose joy" in a situation that I don't really like. The reasons I don't like the situation have nothing to do with my dad or with June, it has to do with the fact that I don't particularly like the fact that God chose to take my mom to heaven with Him. And the reality of that situation is that I have no control and need to understand that God knows best and sees the bigger picture ALWAYS.

Let's just face it, folks. Men just struggle being alone. Especially men that grew up in the era that my dad did. Daddy grew up with two sisters that told me on numerous occasions how they were taught to wait on my Pappaw and him. Then, he married my mom and had two daughters. He doesn't know how to be without women in his life because it's all he's ever known. Bless his heart, he admitted this weekend that he's just been dumping all his clean clothes on the guest bed at their house and not folding them or putting them away!!!

This is uncharted waters for all of us, but inevitable. I think it's difficult to see my dad with someone else, but at the same time have to believe it's just as difficult for him to spend time with someone else after 35 years. I don't think my dad wanting to date someone is any reflection on how much he loved and cared for my mother.

I remember very vividly when one of my friends in middle school lost his mom very suddenly. This friend's dad ended up dating and eventually marrying a friend of my mom's. If I remember correctly, the time that passed was not very long between when my friend's mom died and when their dad remarried. Growing up in a small town, people talked about it. Some thought it was just horrible that he would do that so soon and would hurt his kids that way. You know what I remember? I remember my mom being very happy for them. Sad for the tragedy of the situation and the stress it caused, but glad that two people were able to find companionship with each other.

I would be lying if I said this whole thing is easy for me and no big deal. It's NOT easy, and it IS a big deal. However, I have to play the cards that life has dealt. I know in the process of this I will become stronger, and hopefully be a better person because of it.

Public Thanks

I just want to give a public thanks for all of you thoughtful people out there.

I have received 4 (2 large, 2 small) Mediterranean Fig candles in the mail, and have cried opening every single one of them. Some of you people are just way more thoughtful, way more insightful than I've ever thought about being. I don't think I would have ever read that on someone's blog and said, "You know what? I'm gonna send her one." I'm trying to get there, but I'm just not. Plus, I'm the world's worst at mailing things. That might have something to do with it. :)

Anyway, the candle I took from my parent's house is all burned up, so it's time to break out one of the new ones.

I'm getting there. I've got some thoughts of things I want to do to pay it forward. It's just making time to carry them out!

memories

While Kendall was in the bathtub tonight, I was just thinking about how much my mom would be IN LOVE with her and loving this stage of life. Mom loved little babies and toddlers and just had this way with them that I can't even explain. I don't know ANY kid that wasn't attracted to her from the get-go.

For some reason, this one memory came flooding back to me. Last May, when mom fell and broke her arm, Kendall and I flew to AR to help take care of her. That accident just took a complete toll on her, and I remember being so sad about seeing her in that condition. It was bad enough that she had the oxygen tubes and the port tubes, but then a broken elbow on top of all that...it was terrible! One afternoon during the week, I put Kendall down for a nap and then jumped in the shower. When I turned the water off, I could hear Kendall crying, and was trying to hurry to get to her. When I went in the bedroom, there was my mom--broken elbow and all--rocking Kendall, trying to calm her down. Mom, who hadn't been able to hold her all week, says, "I just couldn't stand it anymore. She was just too sad." I know that Kendall will never know her, but I hope she knows how much she was loved by her Maw-Maw.

I also remember that mom's appetite was terrible that week. All the medicine she was on made her very sick and she couldn't keep down anything. I remember thinking, "I cannot believe I am holding a trashcan for my mother to puke inside!" I know this is so random, but I remember her wanting yogurt, and the whole conversation of her trying to explain to daddy over the phone that she wanted the "Dan-Active" yogurt. (If you know my dad, you can imagine how this conversation went down! I am laughing just thinking about it. I can just hear my mom getting louder and saying "Dan-Active" slower and slower.) :) I also remember making fresh guacamole that week, and her raving over how great it tasted.

Why do these random memories come up? Is it just because I'm trying to hang on to every memory I possibly have???

Her Story

Last night, Evan and I were at a SS class fellowship and in the course of the conversation with a relatively new member of our class, I had to say that my mom died about 6 months ago. I'm pretty sure that's not the first time that I've said "my mom died" but honestly, most of the time when it comes up in conversation, the other person usually says, "I'm so sorry" and moves on.



On one hand, I'm really fine with that. I've learned that we are a generation of people that isn't REALLY very interested in what is going on in the lives of others. We are sad for people, but to really care and listen to their hurts and heartaches is something of which we aren't very good. I think part of it is when you haven't experienced it for yourself, you just don't know what to say. Myself included. I look back now at friends that I've known to experience tragedy in their lives and often wonder, What did I say to them? Did I listen to them? Did they see care and concern or did I just blow it off?



Last night, this person didn't blow off the subject, she asked me if my mom's death was expected or sudden and I was able to explain it was a little of both by telling a shorter version of her story. I think it hit me in the middle of telling, that I hadn't really told mom's story in months, and I'm standing here telling it to someone I don't know very well, who is seemingly genuinely interested. I got really choked up.


It felt good to tell her story. It was nice just to have someone who was kind enough to listen to me babble on, remember my mom, and share my experience of losing her. To top it all off, this person didn't even stop at the how did you lose her but when on to ask how things were now, what the first holiday was like, how my dad was dealing with it, etc. I think it helps with the whole healing process.

It's been a while...

I haven't posted on here...not sure if anyone really checks this site much, but writing is still good therapy for me. I guess since the last couple of months were so full of anticipation and lots of emotions, this month has been somewhat of a break of thinking about mom not being here.

Our Holidays were fine...very bittersweet and I personally wasn't sad to see the Christmas season come to an end this year. I know with time it will get easier.

There are still just moments...

like last Friday night when I went to Target and saw all the swimsuits out. It hit me. Nobody got more excited about bathing suit season coming on than my mom. Last year, the moment swimsuits hit the stores, Kendall had two, plus a cover-up.

like when we went to my dad's for Christmas and there were no magazines to read. Mom always saved all her magazines and kept them in the extra bedroom for Kara and I to read. Daddy didn't know. He was just throwing them all away.

like how my mom knew that my favorite candle in the world was Trapp's Mediterranean Fig. She usually bought two--one for her and one for me. I took the one that was in the bathroom at my dad's house just to have the reminder of her. I'll be sad when it burns down.

like every time Kendall says "baby" and goes to find her baby doll, I just wish I could call my mom and have her hear it. She would eat that up.

like when my cousin Scott was here visiting and he reminded me of how mom was the only one who would (and let the kids d0 it, too) press the bottom of the Russell Stover chocolates to see what was on the inside. She didn't make us eat them after we touched them. I loved that.

It hits at the most random times. I guess that's how it will be for the rest of my life.

I can't say enough how thankful I am for the hope of Heaven and the truth that I will see her again one day--and even the reunion with my mom won't compare with seeing Jesus face to face! Praise the Lord!

Holidays

So, it's been a while since I've posted on here. I've thought about it, just haven't done it. Sometimes, it's kind-of painful for me. Tonight, I'm going for it.

I didn't really think the Thanksgiving/Christmas season would be much different than any other time. I kept telling myself, "My mom really wasn't a big holiday person." The truth is, she really was, she just was unable to really enjoy it in the last few years because of her illness. I have LOTS of fond memories decorating our house BIG for Christmas and special traditions. While we never did the exact same thing each year or get "big" gifts, we celebrated, that is for sure. Mom had a way of making holidays memorable.

Again, it's little things that keep getting to me. Like finding great new holiday recipes, and not being able to call my mom and tell her all about them. I keep thinking about how much she loved to cook and how good she was at it, always trying new things and keeping all the old favorites. My mom had a WONDERFUL spiced tea recipe. And home-made hot cocoa. I don't remember EVER going home during the holiday season and not having one or both of these. Or apple cider. Red hots and apple juice, on the stove in that white Corning-ware, stove friendly pitcher. (I may confiscate that pitcher when I go home. HA!)

I've had a couple of break-down moments in the last couple of weeks, too. Both happening at the mall. Oh, yes. The first one was a couple of weeks ago, when Evan and I were out and about. We ran in the mall because he had some gift card money left from his birthday and went in through the Von Maur department store entrance. (If you aren't familiar with Von Maur, it's a bit swankier than Dillard's or Macy's, but they have GREAT sale racks.) :) Anyway, apparently, their "shopping" music is a live pianist. (I'm not sure if it's this way all the time, or just during the Christmas season.) On our way out the door, we walked by the piano, and I happened to get a glimpse of the lady playing, along with her songbook and I lost it. I just looked at Evan and said, "We've got to get out of here." We barely made it to the doors when the tears started coming. The book the lady was playing from was a Reader's Digest songbook, the Holiday one. The same one that my mom played from. All of these memories just came flooding back of Kara and I dancing and singing in the front room of the big, green, two-story house begging my mom to "play this one, play this one" over and over again.

The second moment came this week, while we were at the mall "walking off our dinner" with Evan's parents who were in town for the Thanksgiving week. We walked in the Hallmark store and I took one look at the wall of Hallmark ornaments, the tears started burning my eyes and my heart started beating so hard I had to walk out of the store. See, since Kara and I were babies, my mom collected Hallmark ornaments for us. Not just any of the Hallmark ornaments, but the series ones. I have two completed series and am on my third, while Kara has one completed series, and is still working on one (that is in it's 25th year this year). The grandkids have them, too. (In all seriousness, I didn't know other people decorated their Christmas trees with ornaments other than Hallmark ones until I was in middle school or junior high. I really thought Christmas ornaments were invented by Hallmark!!! HA HA!!!) Looking at that wall of ornaments just reminded me of one more thing my mom isn't around to do. After a few more tears, I went home, called my dad and reminded him of the tradition and he of course obliged to pay for the ornaments. Kara and I decided we would let him finish out these series, since mom started them, then "pay it forward" for our children in the years to come. It made the most sense to us. So, I went back to the Hallmark store and bought all five ornaments the next day.

I'm sure this is just the first of many in the days to come! Thanks to all of you, again, who think of us and remember to pray for our family. It's still what gets us through!

Missing my Mom...

I'm not going to lie. I've been missing my mom a lot lately. Not really had any tears over it or anything. I just miss her. And it's not really the big stuff that makes me miss her, it's little things...like how Kendall tried to put her paci in my mouth today, then proceeded to try and put it in her baby doll's mouth. Or like wishing my mom could hear Kendall say "Uh-Oh" because it's the sweetest thing in the whole world. Anyway, I'm just missing her.

One thing that is really neat is how other people have stepped in to fill the void that was left when my mom died. Like my cousin Laura making Kendall hair bows. Or Kendall's "Nana Ann" sending packages and calling to check on us. And Mrs. Carol sending smocked dresses. It's not the "stuff" these people send, it's the thoughtfulness behind it. Mom can never be replaced, but these sentiments make it a whole lot easier.

I may have said on here before about how since my mom died, I think about Heaven a lot more than I ever did before, and sometimes long for it in a way I can't describe. The thought occurred to me last night, while sitting in church, that as glorious and wonderful as the reunion in Heaven with my mom will be, the reunion with Jesus will be so much better! It was almost overwhelming trying to picture it, but isn't that an amazing thought?

Happy Birthday!

Today, October 20, would have been my mom's 54th Birthday.

Wonder what kind of celebration she's having in Heaven?!?!? Hopefully, all the hot fudge brownie sundaes and birthday cake she can eat!

How You Live

I really wanted to add this to the last post, but I'm having terrible issues embedding this video to Blogger. I'm not patient enough to figure it out/make it work, so I'm just going to add a link.

Heather Payne, a member of the Christian group Point of Grace, is a member at our church. The week we were without electricity, she sang How You Live at the outside service. I was choking back tears the entire time. (And every time I've heard it since then.) Heather has an amazing voice, but the words of the song are even better. You know how sometimes you just hear a song that totally says what your heart feels? As I listened to her sing this song, I thought two things... one being "this is my mom" and the other being "this is who I want to be."

Wake up to the sunlight
With your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress
Use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want
But want what you have
And don't spend your life lookin' back

So go to the ballgames
And go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children
Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don't run from the truth
'Cause you can't get away
Just face it and you'll be okay

So give to the needy
And pray for the grieving
E'en when you don't think that you can
'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
Make peace with God and make peace with yourself
'Cause in the end there's nobody else

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

Here are two links to watch the video. It's well worth five minutes. (At least let the song play while you do something else!) Go here to see it on YouTube or here to see it on imeem. (Which ever works for your computer better!) Oh, and those sweet little blonde kids that you see with Heather? Her precious, precious children.

October

I've been wanting to write on here all week, but can't seem to find the time to do it. I wonder why...we are only in the middle of working on our new house and trying to move in by Friday!!!Add school for Evan, work for me, taking care of Kendall, and church activities...there aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done that needs to get done!

Before I go on about October, I think it's difficult to re-word things after you lose a loved one. For example, I still find myself saying "my mom and dad's house." I don't know if that is correct or not. I mean, on one hand, it is still her house, she just isn't there anymore. On the other hand, when I say it, I'm always afraid the person whom I'm speaking is going to think I'm in denial that I think my mom still lives there or something. I guess I shouldn't worry about what other people think anyway because it doesn't matter. I know I'm not in denial about her death.


I already geared myself up for October being a difficult month. It's only the 4th day (I think it's the 4th-ha!) and it's everything I expected it to be. It all started with my bible study on Tuesday night. It was all about Heaven, and it was all I could do to finish the day. (I'm chasing a rabbit here, but it seems as though the talk of Heaven is what gets to me the most. I mean, just play I'll Fly Away or Mercy Me's Homesick and the tears just start. This is not a good thing when I'm driving to work in the morning.) The next day (Wednesday) was my Aunt Judy's birthday. I knew Aunt Judy was probably okay, but also probably a little sad that she couldn't celebrate with her sister. October 20 is (was...again...how do you say that?!?!) my mom's birthday and then Kendall's birthday is the 23rd. I'm thankful that I have the memories of my mom being in the delivery room for Kendall's birth, but I'm sad that she's not here to celebrate with us this year.

Just remember my all my family in your prayers this month. Thankfully, I have lots to keep me busy. We have to be out of our apartment by Friday, company coming the next two weeks after that (one of those being my dad!) and then I'm hosting a baby shower the first weekend in November. I'm glad to have other things to keep my mind busy, but still, when I have down time, she is the first thing that comes to my mind. It's just hard not to miss her when we've got so much big stuff going on right now!